Monkey Pains

Recently, I have been waking up in puddles of sweat. I told my doctor and now we have a plan to stay off of my Depo Shot And after missing a close, I am angry.

Have I not been in enough pain? No! These cramps are vicious and they make me question why the human body is able to endure so much. Sure, it is a testimony to how amazing the human body is, but it doesn’t always take into account mental anguish.

I have had a headache of some degree for over six years. Pain is a foe I am well aquainted with. My left side feels like a burning rod of metal is being shoved through it. It feels like broken glass in my left foot when I walk. Sometimes I try to stand but only one leg works.

Now my uterus has been given a seat at the table and a vote on nerve activity! There Is an organ-coup happening in my body and I don’t know why it has to be so violent. Why must it always be pain? Is there not love in this body or is it so broken down that it can only hurt itself? I’m probably not making much sense anymore.

The pain has me on edge. I stepped on a dog squeak toy and almost died of my spleen running to hide. I don’t know where pain will come from next,  Will I hit my head or need new nerve testing? Only time will tell.

Anywho, it’s going to take some time for my hormones to get back to the natural trashed state and pray that menopause has come to free me of my monthly ties to my uterus in favor of being able to focus on being a better me.

Unfortunately, I have to live like this and I am going to try my hardest to not take my rage out on someone. Anyone. No hurting people! Promise.

Gonna go fetal for a while and think about time and space.

Forward, Monkey!

I have a lot of time to think and it isn’t always the best way to spend my time because at times those thoughts get dark. There is a fear that I hold close to my heart and this is the week I bring it up to my PCP. I will also alert my psychiatrist and psychologist.

First, I assure anyone reading this that these are thoughts that I have no intention of acting upon. I am on my medication and I am surrounded by a support team that closely monitors my mood and helps me work through my difficult days.

These people also understand that they have very little idea of what I physically deal with and they give me space to grieve my losses and at times sit in my sadness. Then there is a time to begin moving forward again and walk through the pain. Understanding the needs of myself and the family are important so we can work together toward a future that is positive.

Whatever happens after this week cannot dictate how I am going to live today. Well, I am more aware of the small things in my life that make me happy. While I wish I had carried this gratitude my whole life, I have it now and I plan to keep it forever and hopefully grow it even more.

I fall into one of the tiniest life niches. I am a 41 year old mother of an almost 20 year old. I am disabled physically and neurologically and unable to work so I live with my parents. My parents treat me like a covert princess and are my caretakers and biggest supporters. They meet all of my needs, financial and otherwise, and they don’t treat me like a burden. I am loved and respected in the house and I am fully aware that this is a tremendous priviledge.

This is important to remember, not because people have it worse than me, but because I did NOTHING to even get into this this place so while my feelings are valid I now keep in mind that they are also Validated which is what helps me when I FEEL alone and unheard. I know I am not alone and I know I could be. I have done nothing to be loved or to have people who love me and are able and willing to just let me live with this changing brain.

I can’t wait to share more as my platforms combine and I prepare to finish and launch my next book. Until then, give yourself grace and learn to be ok with feeling and sitting in the sadness but then get up and get through to the side where you can bear the pain as you move forward in life.

Memories of a Monkey

Over the past seven years I have had a lot of time to think about what I miss about my life before the accident and surgery. Things like working, driving, and climbing are all activities that I can no longer do.

Those are all activities and that has been a focus for me, but it wasn’t until tonight that I really took stock of how I have changed as a person and I am a little saddened by my conclusions.

I miss my whole life! I thought I had a future and I worked hand and I really enjoyed living a wild life. Alex was a black belt, I was singing, everything was going well.

Now, after many therapy sessions, countless journals, blog posts, essays, books, and everything else later, I finally realize that I miss parts of myself that are gone. I miss waking up and just knowing the day and date.

I miss intrinsically knowing my schedule, remembering PINs, controlling my emotional display, knowing the word to say, being able to spend the day out without an emotional breakdown. How many times can I ruin lunch?

Multiple times.

I no longer have the type of spontaneity I had when I could control my method of travel, Now, I find that I am concerned that my body might poop out before the planned clay is over. I have to include other people and I am concerned about messing up their plans because of how I felt.

The thought of going out inspires a timeline of misery. First, I have to get ready which can take 1-3 hours depending on where we are going. then, I usually have to wait to be picked up, which is Annoying! I have to ride in someone else’s car. Many people are scary drivers AND they want to talk and sing.

At this point, I am usually regretting agreeing to do anything, but I push on. Inevitably I become bored or sick. If I had a license, I could leave, but I have to convince someone to take me home, come get me, or buy a ride. Just the anxiety of this ending is enough to just stay home.

I lost my sense of self-security. I cannot save myself from my body malfunctioning, I must rely on someone else to get me where I need or want to go. This also means that there are situations that might arise where I cannot escape and that is never a burden I carried before.

The feeling of freedom has been taken or lost somehow and I don’t think it will ever return. The freedom from anxiety about what I chose to do didn’t exist. Special days didn’t have to be planned out so far in advance. At this point I schedule appointments around meds, bathroom, and naps.

As time goes on I am falling into a patten dictated solely by my body. No reason or rhyme, if brain says to eat then I eat. Brain says sleep, I sleep.

I’m going to sleep. Ha Ha.