Monkey Countdown: T minus 13 days

I spent the first half of today sleeping.  I regret nothing.  I was just tired.  I felt a bit of a headache and my mouth hurt so I went back to bed around 10am until maybe 3pm.  Then my mom wanted to go get pedicures and go shopping.  (Yes, I think we shop a lot too, but we usually just picking up a thing or two, nothing crazy.)  Anywho, she has been under a lot of stress so, I am trying to do the things with her that help make her a little more cheerful and she liked the pedicure.

On the way home we talked about the visit to the Cleveland Clinic and I explained my hopes and fears to Mom and I told her why I was doing this writing experiment.  I was a little surprised to learn that she reads some of them.  So she knew I was doing it.  I told her my views on how I think people misunderstand anxiety, or at least my own anxiety and how it can be made better.

I have to admit that the most satisfying part of this conversation was that my mom was listening to me and not telling me why I am wrong to feel the way I do or why other may misinterpret how I feel.  I love that she will listen and give thought to my word in the actual context we are working in.  I wish I could find that in the world at large.

She listened as I explained how the mechanics of my thinking have changed since starting this exercise and to hear it out loud was good because that means I can explain it to my therapist and she will probably understand what I am saying.

Really, having that talk with my mom relieved a lot of anxiety.  She isn’t trying to belittle my condition or my feelings and she doesn’t make me feel bed because I go to therapy.  That is the most comforting way to resolve anxiety in my opinion is when my family hears me and reassures me that we are in this together.

Monkey Pants

Every day I have to remember a simple thing; sit down to take off my pants and socks. 

Seems crazy.

Normally, at this time of year I am fuelling up on coffee at midnight to get to work by 1.  So, my early mornings were hectic.  I did the bathroom stuff, then put on my pants as I walked back to the kitchen to get my lunch together.  Then put my socks on while standing because sitting wastes time.  Even shoes didn’t require sitting.  Within 30 minutes I could be up, cleaned, coffeed, lunched, and out the door to my job that is 7 minutes away.

Now, I don’t have the balance to do that.  I risk injuring myself on whatever I hit on my way down.  So, I have to verbally tell myself to sit because there is no rush.  It’s ok to take my time because that is what I need. 

Normalcy is always taken for granted.  We expect the shower to be hot.  We expect the car to start.  We don’t expect to be left in a place where something is different.  When it is, we have to learn to cope until normalcy is restored or a new normalcy is achieved.

I have to sit in the car, then turn my legs around into the car.  I am a plopper.  I like to flop into the car but I can’t now. 

To be honest, I enjoy the idea of having to think about how important it is to treat my body carefully.  It has taught me a valuable lesson.  Now, I am creating a new normal.

That doesn’t always make it easier.  My situation has many uneasy things going on.  I am unable to do many things, but I am now able to do some things.  When I feel the need to be independent and do something I shouldn’t, I tell myself that it’s OK to ask for help because I will be able to do it when I am stronger.

Should you find yourself in recovery while reading this, remember, if you hurt yourself, recovery will be longer and worse.  Do the things you can do.  Work within your limits.  Your body is getting stronger every day.

If you find yourself frustrated or depressed by your limitations, talk about it.  Or blog about it.  Cry.  Recovery is difficult and you are allowed to have every emotion you feel.  Just try not to take your negative feelings out on your caretaker.

Sometimes, I tell my sister that I am just angry and having a bad day.  She usually with just let me ramble on until I feel relieved.  So do my parents.  My daughter is kinda young to deal with over-emotional mommy, so I try to get it out before I spend time with her. 

Recovery is slow, painful, boring, and it has good days as well as horrid days.  Your feelings matter if they are happiness or sadness.  

I suppose we all have to put our recovery on one leg at a time.  We have to sit out of life and slowly put our health on one day at a time.  Slowly and carefully we will make it out into the new norm. 

I can’t stress enough that your feelings are valid.  If you don’t even get those pants on today, thats cool.  Be upset, and resolve to try again tomorrow.  It will get better, but it will take time.

MichelleMichelle feels your struggle.

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