So, my left foot felt like it was being stabbed in the sole last night. My left hip was in pain, and I assumed it was just my body looking for more attention. As we left church, the pain became just a burning sensation when I tried to walk or it touched something.
I wake up this morning, step on the left foot and the whole thing hurts up to my ankle. So, I stepped on the good foot, and hobbled my way through the morning until I couldn’t take the pain anymore. While all of this was going on, I was blessed with cramps (yay, no baby!) and my headache began to intensify. I already know that Headache + Cramps = FIRE IN THE HOLE! I have already apologized to my family members in advance because I can’t get my shot until Tuesday and by then, the house could be on fire. Not literal fire, but mass emotional upheaval.
I decided to take a nap. I wasn’t sleepy, but sometimes the pain wears me down enough to just sleep. Sure enough, I woke up, put down my left foot and now the pain has risen above my ankle. It’s making it hard to walk and the shillelagh is becoming my best friend.
There isn’t much to do until I see the neurologist. Four days away. I suppose by the time you read this I will have already gone, but will have posted an update! It is difficult to just wait but really nothing that can be done about it. Most appointments have been cancelled so that I am at less risk of hurting myself. I am hoping that I can get through these next few days gracefully. Especially Sunday. I plan to be at church no matter the pain. I just have to keep my mouth under control while I am there.
The biggest issues are pain and boredom. When I am in this much pain it is hard to focus on something enough to be entertained or distracted. I suppose that is why I just try to sleep. I don’t take pain meds and while some of my meds help with nerve pain, I can only take them so often because of their side effects and they weren’t prescribed for acute onset pain, so they aren’t the way to go. I hope that the neurologist has a plan because otherwise, we gonna talk about getting a new brain. There is nothing wrong with my leg! I have had it tested. It is fine.
For me, that is the most difficult part to accept. I can handle my foot hurting because it was run over by a car or I dropped something heavy on it. I cannot wrap my mind around my body feeling this way just ‘because’. The nerves are upset today so they are in rebellion. Well, that’s just great, we couldn’t save this for some other time when I was less busy? I have no time for this nonsense. Yet here I am, dealing with this nonsense.
How many people out there are dealing with this nonsense? Nerves getting on your nerves? ME TOO!! Random muscle spasms? ME TOO!! One leg in pain and the other asleep? ME! TOO!!
Where do we go for respite? I know not! What I do know is that eventually, I will have some kind of answer as to what is happening in my body. I have hope when I get answers that it will help others to get answers also. We have to be the lights in the darkness because right now, medical science has so much to learn about the brain and we are the key. We have to be willing to endure pain and tests and waiting and tests and surgery and tests and even tests! I chose to disregard pain management because I don’t want a bandage. I want my wound tended to and healed. If that means it hurts, well, there’s always sleep.
I don’t expect everyone to make the choices I make because we each have to do what is right for our own lives. If I were able to work, maybe my pain management choice would be different. I did try it. Facet shots in C3 and C4 and I remember the sound of my tears hitting the floor as they moved from one area to the next. I was strapped face down and there was a hole my head rested in where I could see all the feet and the floor. I had to cry in silence so nothing would be damaged in the process. So it isn’t like I haven’t tried. Since opiates do nothing for my pain and they haven’t given me any type of actual diagnosis relating to my nerves, I am going to just wait until we figure out the problem.
The nerves function from the neck down. Anything I feel is originating in my brain. See, that is where the hard part lies. We understand the heart and how it is built and functions. We understand muscles and bones and lungs, but we are severely lacking when it comes to knowledge of the very organ that holds our knowledge. Somehow, this jelly-like pink blob full of wrinkles has control over not only the functions of the body, but also forms the very thoughts and ideas I am using to write about it.
We know that it can be injured and people can survive. We know that injury to it can lead to change in personality. We know that some people are just born with brains that seem off or different from the majority either in a good or bad way, depending on the difference.
We don’t know the actual mechanism by which it functions and malfunctions, though. We have our theories. Most neuro medications are based on the theory of how certain receptors work. Then when something major goes wrong, we aren’t sure why, but that is what starts giving us insight. So, I want them to find out all they can from my brain and add it to the existing information so that one day a cure for Chiari Malformation can be found. Or a better treatment plan for ANY brain issues.
If your brain is being a jerk, know that I understand. Don’t hate on yourself because of your brain, even if you really want to because your brain is special and the right doctor will help you understand why and how to help. It takes time (I was decompressed THREE YEARS AGO!!) and that time may not be fun or easy, but you can help be the key that unlocks the mysteries of the brain.
Still, if you are able, take time to rest and sleep. Journal and talk to someone who can listen. Don’t let the pain overtake your beauty. Let your hurt out and allow others to help you bear your burden. Our loved ones often don’t know what to do, so it is up to us to inform them that we just need someone to listen and possibly make dinner tonight. Also, LOOK FOR JOY in things. Flowers, birds, puppies, trust me, this helps balance out negativity. We get to choose how we handle even the worst of days.
Choose wisely.
The Life of a Music Monkey 